What I've learned in residency

Here are a few of the more interesting concepts I have gleaned from residency:

• Don't mind your own business. Everyone who gets shot or stabbed was just minding their own business. Seriously it's not safe.
  
• Watch out for handicap doors. There might have been a visitor coming to see a loved one in a bad accident who got hit by a handicap door, broke their hip, and had to have emergency surgery due to the internal bleeding. If it weren't for bad luck some people wouldn't have any luck.
• Don't try to jump onto a moving train. You won't be pleased with the outcome.
• Don't run away from a K9. Seriously, they will destroy you. I've seen the results. They're not a cute puppy, they are a dog trained to tear you to shreds and that is precisely what they do.
• More shots doesn't guarantee that you will kill someone. In one night one person was shot over 20 times in the chest, abdomen and pelvis and lived while another was shot once in the arm and was dead within minutes. It's a crazy world.
• Don't wait 5 weeks to come to the hospital if you haven't had a bowel movement. That's just crazy.
• If you truly believe a criminal placed a silicone implant in your belly don't try and cut it out, just calmly make your way to the hospital and we will straighten things out.
• Swallowing sporks is just stupid. Period.
• If you want to get out of prison swallow everything in sight. It will not only be amusing but will win you a surgery,narcotics and a cute nurse to wait on you. Do this more than once and it isn't amusing any more it is just annoying and a massive waste of taxpayer money.
• If you swear at the doctors trying to help you it won't win you better care.
• Calling 911 to get an ambulance to bring you to the hospital for a pregnancy test really does happen. What a broken system we have!